Tardygirl

I haven’t been doing a very good job of blogging lately. I guess in part I don’t because it seems to me that I keep repeating myself and that I’m really not saying anything of significance in most of my posts so until I do I’ll shut up. Of course that leads to loooong lapses :) It’s not that I don’t have deep thoughts on issues/events/life, I’m just more reluctant to share them. First off, I’ve come to realize that my opinions/views are subject to change. In fact, some of them are changing so fast it astounds me. Things that I once considered set in concrete have gone AWOL and all that’s left is the hole in the cement to remind me where something once stood firm. Am I being double-minded or wishy-washy? It would probably appear that way to some, but I don’t think it’s that at all. Let’s just say I’m learning to walk in many different shoes, and while the experience is sometimes painful, it is so worth it.

This summer isn’t turning out like I had planned (which is why it’s good to be flexible). Of course a death in the family always rocks your world, but then the double whammy of large changes with your job ensures that nothing will ever be the same (i.e., when your boss–who happens to be one of your closest confidants and dearest friends–is moving to Alaska). I don’t know what this will all boil down to, but I do know I’ll be asked to take on some of her responsibilities, and trust me when I say I can’t do it. I am a secretary, not an administrator. Still, though I wanted to quit, God said no. I cried, I whined, I complained, I got spanked, and then I realized how selfish I was being. I really am happy for her and need to quit looking at how sad I am for me. I really don’t want more responsibility, more hours, but I’m not the Boss, and He’s not letting me give up, even though that’s what I feel like doing.

The other day as I was mulling over her leaving and subconsciously asking God why when He told me (that braille thing on the soul), “It is necessary.” Immediately I thought of Jesus telling His disciples that it was necessary for Him to go away. So now I know how the disciples felt. Lost. It’s a good thing God knows where to find me.

The blessing blocker

Since February, I’ve made it a practice to exercise three times a week on the Skier’s Edge. I’ve worked my way up to 25 minutes and am at the point where I should really bump it up to 30. Might as well, because I try to time my workouts to coincide with Joyce Meyer’s program anyway. She has a lot of insight and I feel as if I’m getting two benefits out of that time stretch.

This morning I got a phone call halfway through the workout, so when I finally got back on the machine her program was done and a different one started which was on the subject of fear. Interesting to watch how God’s been orchestrating events in my life to bring me encouragement, and though I missed what Joyce was saying, I really needed to hear what was spoken in a different program about fear (and I wouldn’t have caught it had the phone call not come).

Fear has no part in a Christian’s life. It is the opposite of faith and will rob everyone (believer or not) of joy and peace, bringing a whole host of problems (some of them physical) if it becomes our focus. It is, as this man said, a “blessing blocker.” You either live in fear or you live in faith. It is a matter of what you choose to be your focus. Will you choose to believe God or you won’t you? I must learn to say, “It is well” regardless of circumstances, keeping in mind the story from 2 Kings of the Shunamite woman whose only son had died. When Elisha sent Gehazi to ask her, “Is it well with the child?” she answered, “It is well.” And it was, for she had the faith to believe God would raise her son from the dead. That’s the kind of faith I need.

When change comes

Change is something that is feared by many people, which really doesn’t make much sense considering that it happens constantly and nothing in life ever stays the same (and would we really, truly want it to?). Indeed, it’s as much a part of living as eating and breathing and sleeping. It is never a question of if things will change, but when. Everything changes or will change to some degree (if you live long enough). Still, there are times when a large change looms on the horizon of our otherwise peaceful life like ominous storm clouds which threaten to rain on our parade. It doesn’t matter that the ground is dry and needs the rain, that in order for growth of any kind (especially spiritual growth), storms are necessary and often a source of great blessing (which we will eventually confess…in hindsight, of course :)

That said, there are storm clouds on my horizon, and while I know the coming storm is necessary, I have an enemy who doesn’t fight fair. His first attack came through my feelings (which is almost always the first offensive). When I focus on how something makes me feel, things almost always go downhill…fast (feelings can be so unreliable). It took a few days, but I finally whipped them back into shape and told them to shut up, that if they even so much as open their mouth to speak I’m sticking a sock in it and slapping on a piece of duct tape! Now is not the time to feel. Now is the time to have faith. So yeah, that was the second attack: faithlessness. I wanted to pull a Jonah and run away. Far, far away. Certainly God couldn’t be asking me to do this, could he? Of course I know better and have been through this particular lesson more times than I’d care to admit (one doesn’t make it through three years of church splitsville by running). Now wouldn’t be a good time to run. Finally, there’s the fear approach. Bring up all the reasons why I can’t do what I may be asked to do (mind you, I said “may be asked to do”). After banishing the what-if monster and “casting down imaginations”, I’ve come to the conclusion that I must cross no bridge before its time :)

I’m not free at this point to speak of what is precipitating “the big stretch” that lies ahead, but I am (oddly enough) kind of excited about it (kind of). Now’s a good time to remember past stretches, which involve growing pain but usually leave me with a new perspective on God’s love and faithfulness. I know I’ll get through this, but I want to make Him proud. And I want to make someone else proud, too. I just can’t tell you who that someone else is just yet :)

Fifteen bags of clothes…

…and we’re not even done going through closets! Today my sister and I went over to my father-in-law’s house and started bagging up clothes. Though my mother-in-law passed away over three years ago, there were still a lot of her clothes there as well. I never knew a man could have so many clothes!!! All I can say is that if your pant size is 40 x 30 you are SET! Come to our church’s clothing swap in August and help yourself! There were quite a few things that still had the tags on them, too!!!

I did some cleaning as well, and it’s always gratifying when you can see that what you’ve done has made a difference. Clean windows do wonders for a room :) I’m sure the “boys” (that’s what I call my husband and his two brothers :) will notice the difference next time they go over. At some point I guess a decision will need to be made regarding a public sale or whatever, but for now I’ll just keep going down once a week and working.

I enjoy going back home to Lancaster County (although in another couple of years I will have lived in Perry County longer!). I enjoy hearing the Amish buggies roll by. I love to see the teams working in the fields. It’s beautiful country. And this morning I had to go to Zimmerman’s store to buy something and when I opened the door it was like stepping back in time. There is a pleasant smell that is distinctly Zimmerman’s, and it hasn’t changed since I was a kid (and that was a loooong time ago :)

So now it’s time to get a shower and go to bed. I don’t sleep well down there and I’m starting to drag. Hope I sleep better tonight :)

Pushing Back Darkness

I’m taking a break in the middle of a very busy day (at the start of a very busy week) to post a link to a blog by a team from 4HIM which is currently in Sierra Leone. There are a couple of organizations which have been helping Wellington Orphanage in Sierra Leone, and 4HIM (out of Oklahoma) is one of them. In fact, when a small team from our church went in January, Rev. Mansaray used a vehicle donated by 4HIM to drive to the different locations. They have drilled wells, built schools, and sponsored orphans. I’m sure there’s more, too. I’m thrilled that there are other groups contributing to the ministries started by Rev. Mansaray and The Lord’s Mission Church. There are so many needs in that country that there truly can never be enough giving. In fact, it can be discouraging because you might feel that what you’re giving isn’t doing any good, but it is! Even small gifts go a long way over there.

Recently 4HIM drilled some wells and built a school in Rokobop. As the team was traveling over last week, they received a phone call telling them that the building and wells had been destroyed by a mob. The government investigated and found that it was a group of Muslims paid $25,000 to do this by Hezbollah with the consent of the local Imams. I am praying that the government takes swift and strong action.

Spring housecleaning

Okay, so we waited until the last day of spring to do our spring housecleaning! At least we did it!!! There’s something about having company over that makes us do a better than average job of cleaning. Since the weather was rainy today, I couldn’t do some of the outside painting I’d planned to do, so Kevin and I focused on the inside and cleaned for hours and hours and hours. The result is one very clean house!!! We need to have company over more often :) In this case it was a missionary couple from Brazil who Kevin met when he went on a missions trip six years ago. They came along with two of their children and their spouses. Amazing how fast time flies. Seems like only yesterday he was on that trip.

I was hoping to upload some pictures to Facebook, but Matt and his friend are in his room playing video games online which means I’ll be in deep doggy dudu if I go that route (they get a lot of “lag” when I do that). ~sigh~ Oh well, there’s always tomorrow. Until there isn’t.

The Binnacle

As my son would say, “Schwow!” My first poetry competition win!

Dear Patti,

It is a true pleasure to inform you that you are one of the honorees in the Sixth Annual International Ultra-Short Competition sponsored by The Binnacle at The University of Maine at Machias. This does not mean that you have won any of the cash prizes, but that we would like to include your work, “Katydid,” in our 2009 Ultra-Short edition.

We had over 900 submissions from twenty-one countries and six continents, most of which were worthy of inclusion in a volume such as this. From this wonderful gathering of works we chose fifty-seven pieces, including yours, that we felt had the greatest merit. From these fifty-seven works, four were selected as cash prize winners: grand prize winner, a first-place work of prose, a first-place work of poetry, and a UMM student prize. To view the list of finalists and winners, please visit our web site at http://www.umm.maine.edu/binnacle or http://www.umm.maine.edu/faculty/necastro/binnacle and follow the Update or Ultra-Short links. They will be posted there on Friday of this week….

Obviously, I can’t wait for Friday, lol. In fact, I’d wager that my reading this before I went to bed last night led to my insomnia (I’ve been up since 3:30!). I’m starting to get sleepy again, but the Robins are making such a racket outside that I doubt I could sleep anyway. Might as well try, though.

25 years

Today my husband and I are celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary.  We’d hoped to take a trip somewhere, and while that may still happen it probably won’t for some time (his father’s death a couple of weeks ago has changed our plans for the foreseeable future).  I think we’re probably going to go out to eat tonight and then go to Lowe’s to pick up a new screen door for our back porch (woo-hoo!).  I guess the day itself is not so big a deal because each day we have with each other has become more special than the last.  We truly enjoy each other’s company, and though we have an occasional spat, always come through closer than ever (God’s grace is a wonderful thing).

I don’t know that we’ll have 25 more together.  Kevin still talks about not being around much longer.  Used to freak me out, but I’ve grown accustomed to it.  Perhaps that’s one reason why we cherish our time together.  Just last night we laid in bed and talked about what it would be like when one of us is gone.  Life goes so fast, too fast it seems at times, and at other times I realize that this life isn’t where it’s at.  The older I get the more I realize that.  I like C.S. Lewis’ quote:  “If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.”  At the same time, I think I aimed at heaven and got earth thrown in.  My husband is God’s gift to me.

The ice cream truck

Growing up, the only time we ever got to enjoy treats from an ice cream truck was when we took a trip to my aunt’s place down at Wildwood Crest. Each day around 1:00 you’d hear that unmistakable music as it worked its way up the street, and we’d beg for change and run to the corner, eagerly awaiting its arrival.

This evening we heard that familiar sound just as we were finishing dinner, Silent Night blaring through the loudspeaker. My husband is such a kid. “Do you want one?” he asked excitedly, hoping I’d say yes. And of course I couldn’t say no :)  You scream, we scream, we all scream for ice cream!

Snapsnot of West Chester 2009

After last year’s conference I came home and posted my thoughts, kind of letting it all hang out. It’s probably the most searched entry I’ve ever written, and I’ve occasionally been tempted to go back and change a few things I said in it. Of course the end result would be an attempt to make myself look better so I don’t allow myself to do it. (I’m in the middle of a war right now, and that would be like helping the enemy.) But that’s not what you came to read about, so back to business.

Despite the fact that I’ve traveled to this conference at West Chester six or more times, I made a wrong turn right after I got off the Turnpike (Google Maps let me down!), but still managed to get there in time to see Julie Kane receive the Donald Justice Prize for her book, “Jazz Funeral”, a collection of sonnets. I especially enjoyed “Whisker” lol. Of course I enjoyed Player Piano, too (because I have one–though mine is in good working order!).

After that was the first books panel. In addition to Julie’s book, I also bought Nola Garrett’s “The Dynamite Maker’s Mistress”, a collection of Sestinas, which is a form I only recently tried (and loved it, btw). In fact, I have to agree with the quote inside her book “[...sestinas are] a bitch to explain but a joy to make.” – Stephen Fry. Yep, that pretty much sums it up! Anyway, I’m really looking forward to settling down some evening with a cup of tea and her book (actually it’ll probably take several evenings!!!).

I had enough money for one more book and decided upon Rhina Espaillat’s “Playing at Stillness”, which isn’t her newest, but I loved the title and the dedication was to her husband and sons, “For Alfred, whose love has shaped the life folded into these poems, and for our sons, who have linked it to the future.” I could so relate to that, so I bought it. Okay, usually people don’t buy a book because of the dedication, but remember who’s talking here :) Besides, Rhina has a lot of wisdom and is so real. She’s a skilled writer, too. I liked what she wrote to me, “For Patti, hoping these poems speak to you, woman to woman and poet to poet.” I’m sure they will, Rhina :)

After that I went out to the lobby and started mingling. It’s always good to say hello to folks you only get to see once a year. I always look forward to seeing Susan McLean, though we really didn’t get a chance to talk, and I met other Sphereans for the first time, Frank Osen, David Landrum, Steven (I think it is) Scaer. I saw Sam Gwynn, Len Krisak, Lisa Barnett, Michael Cantor and Quincy Lehr. (I forgot to give Quincy his salt and vinegar potato chips so I handed them to David at the end of the evening and asked him to pass them on!) And I finally got to meet Toni Clark, a Vermonter I’ve gotten to know over the past couple of years from the Waters. She’s a gem. So I’m walking around with my camera like some paparazzo snapping pictures of folks I know (and some I don’t), especially trying to snap shots of folks who gather at Eratosphere to share with those who couldn’t make it. And of course, I’m trying to be discrete and snap pictures of the “Somebodies” :). Sometimes I’d ask, but then someone said no so I stopped asking, lol.

After h’ors d’oeuvres (did I spell that right?–hmm, perhaps I should check and make sure so I don’t look stupid–wait, did I say that out loud?:) we were directed to the banquet hall. I sat with Toni Clark, Nola Garrett, Nancy Bailey Miller, and Patricia Callan. We were joined by John and Muriel Ridland, and Leslie Monsour. Toni and I chatted away, and there was an open seat between myself and Leslie. The salad was great. In fact, it was so good that I asked Leslie if anyone was coming (she had her book bag on the seat) and she said no, so I asked if I could have the salad. For some reason that amused her, lol. Anyway, I could have eaten nothing but that salad all night and been happy. BUT then out comes filet mignon. Leslie’s a vegetarian and got a pasta dish, and I hope she wasn’t offended by the way I devoured that hunk of beef flesh, but I don’t get that very often (and it was soooo good :) There was a lot of chatting going on, and I pretty much talked with Toni. At some point during the dinner I had the thought that I should take a picture of the folks at our table, but then didn’t. More on that oversight later. Dessert was some kind of chocolate cake goodness which I shouldn’t have eaten but did. Oh well, you only live once :)

After dinner we went to the Swope Theater for the keynote reading by Donald Hall. I was probably the only person in the room who didn’t realize he was married to Jane Kenyon (or I forgot, yeah, that’s the ticket, don’t let your ignorance show–um, I think I’m speaking out loud again). He spoke about his diagnosis of colon cancer in 1989 and the fact that he’d only been given a one in three chance of living five years (that was 20 years ago). A few years later Jane was diagnosed with leukemia and died within 15 months. When he started to read the mic was too far away and it was difficult to hear him. Then Mike Peich walked over and put it closer, but there was static or something. I’m glad I sat close to the stage, because he was rather soft spoken, though he got louder as he went on. Should have written down the names of some of the poems he read. I know him best for “The Ox-Cart Man” (no, he didn’t read that!). I remember when it was featured on Reading Rainbow (we watched a lot of PBS when my boys were growing up). Afterward those who had purchased books were invited to come up and have them signed. It pays to be prepared. I kind of figured they’d do something like that, but I’d already spent my money on the three books mentioned earlier. Oh well. Missed my chance with Richard Wilbur last year, too. I’m on a roll, lol.

I was tempted to go back to Sykes for the reception and try to get some more pics, but it was getting late and I decided to head out. Each year I say, “Next year I’m going to stay for the whole conference” but then I don’t. Still, that won’t stop me from saying it again. Next year I’m going to stay for the whole conference.

About that picture thing I mentioned earlier. I posted my pics on my Facebook page when I got to my mom’s (I stayed overnight there because she lives closer and I had business to take care of the next day), and my friend Laura was kind enough to post them over at the Sphere so folks there could see them. Among the comments was one by Tim Murphy, “If anyone has a picture of John and Muriel Ridland I’d love to see it.” Oh, you mean the ones who were sitting at my table??? When will I learn to listen to that little voice when it’s telling me to do something? :) Sorry, Tim.